I have a confession to make: I am not Vulcan. This became galactically clear when I was pulled over for speeding in a school zone just the other day. I know. Faint. Puke. Turn Red. Send me shaming messages on the Book Of Faces, but I saw your SUV speeding the other day through a blind child playing area. And, let me be clear Perfect Parents out there (Saw it off by the way. Nobody is perfect.), I’m not advocating that lying is okay. I am just explaining through expository writing that there are 50 Shades of Honesty between outright lies and the perfectly brutal honesty that Spock practices. So here is how it all went down on the flip side of parenting.
I was speeding in the school zone with my eldest daughter in the back seat. Some dude with bright lights on the opposite side of the road totes turned around, followed me into car line and pulled me over. I am going to do this fiction dialogue style since fiction is greater than truth.
My daughter screamed “Jesus Mom, really?!? What the what?” [Insert “Sorry Jesus” here.]
Then the officer sauntered up in his sunglasses on a cloudy day and asked “Miss, do you know why I pulled you over?” [Insert “Thank you for calling me miss not mam” here.]
I paused, turned on the spontaneous tear factory, went out of body and said “Oh my God no. I don’t understand car line and this is a new school for Bella, but my other two, they are at the same school. Well, no actually Luci is at an old new school. What I mean is well…”
“You were speeding in a school zone, and I clocked you at XXX. Can I see your license and registration?” he said.
I responded kind of like this, “Dave never puts the registration in the same place. Well he does, but I never remember where. I don’t know how to drive this car because it has some kind of engine boost and goes really fast. You clocked me when I was boosting the engine. I don’t normally go that fast. We call this car the Stormtrooper Mobile. Did you see the stickers on the back window? They are a Stormtrooper family. Clever, eh? Can I get a Kleenex out of my purse? I hate car line at this school. And this street! This street is confusing.”
He says, “Do you know the speed limit in a school zone?”
I say (May I not burn in Hell because I kind of did not exactly remember, and I did not want to go to driving school.), “35, yes 35 unless lights are flashing.”
He said “No.” Then, he walked back to his car.
He was gone for an eternity. Parents drove by and shook their heads in shame while placing an imaginary cone of shame on my head. This is when I remembered my daughter was in the car. I looked back and she was kind of dead from shock. She reanimated and simply shook her head in disgust. She had the “WTF” look, but she is a good girl and just rolled with it. Officer School Zone walked back up and handed me a pamphlet on school zone safety.
He said, “Miss, I am not going to give you a ticket today, but I want you to read that pamphlet thoroughly. Okay?”
I said, “Yes, yes, yes. I will highlight passages. You won’t need to pull me over again!”
He walked away with a head nod and rolled behind me as I followed the car line arrows at 1 mph to deposit Bella on the curb.
So later that night, Bella and I had a long talk about what happened. She called me out on the liberty and bizarre randomness I employed in answering the officer’s questions as well as the ridiculous fake tears. It was a funny moment in hindsight, but it was not a proud one. But it reminded me, and I shared with her, that when humans are under stress, we don’t always practice blatant honesty, especially when this type of honesty can take money, time and dignity away from us. It would probably be the right thing to do, but we are flawed and there are shades of right in this whole lifetime of attempting to live long and prosper.
As an epilogue, I did read the pamphlet and share the deets with Bella on what it taught me. And, I have been driving with cruise control at turtle speed while parents in my rearview mirror smack their steering wheels in frustration. [Insert “Suck on it” here.] We are not Vulcans. We are humans. Go Humans!
igeekmama 